Coming out as Non-Binary
As I publish this website to the world, I am going through the first public declarations - coming out as non-binary. This has been such a journey to me, full of highs and lows, as I shared this information with friends, family, coworkers, and the like.
I have been blessed with an extremely supportive workplace. I came out there first because ironically it was easier for me to tell people who didn’t know me super well yet who I truly am. They didn’t have to unlearn anything about me - or at least, they only had to unlearn a few months’ worth of interactions with me. But soon enough my colleagues were calling me Skye, I was confident enough to start using they/them pronouns, and I even found other NB colleagues that I formed a group with to share our stories.
I then came out to close family. I think in many ways family is and always will be the hardest. Yes, I know they love me and that knowledge is unwavering. But I recognize that it’s a lot to ask people that have known me for almost 40 years to unlearn what they thought they knew about me. To share with them that my gender identity is not what I presented on the outside up until now. That, indeed, my gender is one of those ones that some people don’t even think is a “real thing.” To ask them to use a new name for me, to use new pronouns, to excise language like “sister” and “aunty” and replace them with “sibling” and… nothing because there is no good replacement for “aunty”.
I had to try to explain concepts like:
The difference between gender and sexuality
What non-binary means
The use of they/them pronouns historically and now
That some NBs require gender-affirming surgery (and I am one of them)
I had to refute some commonly-repeated conservative talking points like:
The gay community is a community so everyone wants to be gay (I would have rather be “normal” than be a part of a marginalized community, though I am out and proud)
There is no such thing as a third gender there is only male and female (yes, non-binary is real)
You can still be female and express yourself however you want (you can, but I’m not female I’m non-binary, and I am not ashamed of femininity or the years that I spent as a female)
But you didn’t show any signs of this as a child, everything I read says this shows up in childhood (I was a tomboy as a child, how do you tell the difference between a tomboy and an enby? You don’t until that child tells you)
We cannot tell the children, we will confuse them (they’ll go through questioning anyway, that is a normal part of adolescence)
I think people are sometimes surprised that I hadn’t shared all my deepest darkest feelings with them, that I felt the need to conceal some of my struggles. But I, too, am a private person, and didn’t want to share what I was going through until I was sure. I didn’t want to put my family through this until I was sure. I am sure.
Telling my friends was easier, since I surround myself around people that are LGBT or allies. My biggest fear was that one of my oldest friends who is trans would think I’m not trans “enough”, but I am so grateful to have him in my life and to have his full support as I go on my own journey of transition.
There are still challenges to overcome, steps to be taken, but I know that I have an enormous amount of people supporting me on my journey and I can only feel grateful!
